Red Flags in Counselling: How to Know When Something Isn’t Right

Choosing a counsellor can feel surprisingly difficult.

You are often talking to someone about things you may not tell many other people. It could be anxiety, grief, relationships, trauma, addiction, disability, family problems, stress or something you have carried for years.

So how do you know whether counselling simply feels uncomfortable because you are talking about difficult things, or whether something genuinely is not right?

There is an important difference.

A good counsellor may sometimes ask difficult questions or gently challenge something you have said. Counselling will not always feel comfortable.

But you should still feel respected, listened to and safe enough to say when something is not working.

If you are still working out what counselling is supposed to look like, you can also read more about individual counselling in Cairns.

Here are some counselling red flags worth paying attention to.

1. They do not explain confidentiality

One of the first things a counsellor should explain is confidentiality.

You should have a reasonable understanding of what stays private and the situations where information may need to be shared.

Confidentiality is not absolute. There can be circumstances involving serious safety concerns or legal requirements where information needs to be disclosed.

But those limits should not be a mystery.

You should be able to ask:

Who has access to my information?

How are my notes stored?

When would you need to tell somebody else what I have said?

A counsellor should be able to answer those questions clearly.

2. Their boundaries start becoming unclear

Counselling is a professional relationship.

A counsellor should not be trying to turn you into a friend, romantic partner or business opportunity.

Professional boundaries are particularly important because you may be sharing very personal information while relying on that person for support.

Be cautious if the relationship starts becoming secretive, overly personal or confusing.

That can include inappropriate touching, sexual or romantic behaviour, asking you to become involved in their personal life or creating another relationship with you that could interfere with counselling.

3. Every session somehow becomes about them

Counsellors are human.

Sometimes a small amount of personal information from a counsellor can be useful if there is a clear reason for sharing it.

But there is a difference between briefly sharing something relevant and spending your appointment listening to the counsellor talk about their own problems.

You are there for your counselling.

If you constantly leave knowing more about your counsellor's relationships, family problems or personal struggles than you talked about your own situation, it is worth questioning whether the sessions are actually focused on you.

4. They are regularly distracted

You should not expect somebody to stare at you without blinking for 50 minutes.

But there is a basic level of attention you should reasonably expect from someone providing counselling.

Regularly checking their phone, answering unrelated messages, doing other work or appearing not to listen can quickly damage trust.

One unusual interruption may have a perfectly reasonable explanation.

A continuing pattern of disengagement is different.

Your counselling time should actually be your counselling time.

5. You feel judged, shamed or talked down to

Counselling should give you somewhere you can speak honestly.

That becomes difficult if you are worried the counsellor is going to embarrass you, lecture you or make you feel stupid.

There is also an important difference between being challenged and being shamed.

A counsellor might ask:

“Do you think that decision is helping you?”

That invites you to think.

That is very different from saying:

“What were you thinking? That was stupid.”

You do not have to agree with your counsellor about everything.

But you should still be treated with respect.

If you want a better idea of the way I approach counselling, you can read more about me and how I work.

6. You cannot tell them when something isn't working

Counselling is not supposed to simply be done to you.

You should be able to say:

“I don't think this is helping.”

“I don't understand why we're doing this.”

“I don't want to talk about that today.”

“Can we slow this down?”

A counsellor does not have to agree with every piece of feedback.

But they should be able to hear it without becoming angry, defensive or making you feel guilty for raising it.

I think this is an important part of counselling.

If I am trying something that isn't useful for you, I need to know.

The session needs to work for the person sitting in front of me, not just follow a technique because that is what I planned beforehand.

7. They exaggerate or misrepresent their qualifications

This one needs some Australian context.

Counsellors are not registered through AHPRA in the same way psychologists, doctors and some other health professionals are.

That makes transparency around qualifications particularly important.

It is reasonable to look at:

What qualifications does the counsellor actually have?

Do they belong to a professional counselling organisation?

Do they undertake professional supervision?

Are they insured?

Do they have appropriate experience or training for what they say they work with?

Most importantly, they should not claim qualifications, registrations or expertise they do not have.

Being confident about what you do is one thing.

Pretending to have qualifications or expertise you do not have is something completely different.

You can see my own qualifications and professional background here.

8. They work outside their abilities and refuse to acknowledge it

No counsellor is the right person for every problem.

Part of working ethically is recognising when somebody needs a different type of professional support.

For example, there may be situations where somebody needs medical assessment, psychiatric support, specialist trauma treatment, drug and alcohol treatment or immediate crisis support alongside or instead of counselling.

A red flag is not simply a counsellor saying:

“This is outside what I can safely help you with.”

In fact, sometimes that is exactly what a responsible counsellor should say.

The concern is when somebody claims they can handle absolutely everything regardless of their training or experience.

9. They pressure you to keep coming back

There might be times when a counsellor recommends regular appointments because they believe consistency could be helpful.

But you should still have a say.

You should not feel pressured into booking large numbers of sessions, spending money you cannot afford or continuing to see somebody after you have decided you want to stop.

Counselling should be something you participate in, not something you feel trapped in.

10. They make promises they cannot realistically make

Be cautious of anyone promising guaranteed outcomes.

A counsellor cannot honestly promise that they will:

“Fix your anxiety in three sessions.”

“Save your relationship.”

“Get rid of your trauma.”

“Make sure you never feel depressed again.”

Counselling can help people understand what is happening, work through difficult experiences and develop different ways of responding.

But people are different and counselling outcomes cannot be guaranteed.

What if I just don't connect with my counsellor?

This is different from unethical behaviour.

Sometimes two perfectly decent people simply do not connect.

You might prefer somebody who asks more questions.

Someone else might want a counsellor who mostly listens.

You might want practical strategies.

Someone else might need more time to explore what has happened.

None of those preferences are wrong.

The relationship between you and your counsellor matters.

You are allowed to decide somebody is not the right counsellor for you without having to prove they are a “bad therapist”.

That is one reason I offer a free 15-minute meet and greet. It gives you an opportunity to ask questions and get a feel for whether working together might suit you before booking a full session.

Can I change counsellors?

Yes.

You do not have to stay with the first counsellor you see.

If you feel comfortable doing it, you can tell your counsellor what is not working first.

Sometimes talking about the problem can actually improve the counselling relationship.

But you are not required to continue with somebody simply because you have already attended several appointments.

Finding the right person sometimes takes more than one attempt.

What should good counselling feel like?

Good counselling will not necessarily leave you feeling fantastic after every appointment.

Sometimes you may leave thinking about something difficult.

You might talk about something you have avoided for a long time or recognise something about yourself that is uncomfortable.

But over time, you should feel that your counsellor is listening, taking you seriously and trying to understand what is happening rather than forcing you into their version of what should happen.

You should understand things like confidentiality, fees and how the service works.

You should be able to ask questions.

You should also be able to say when something doesn't feel right.

For me, individual counselling starts with listening.

You bring what is happening in your life and we start there.

We can talk through what has been happening, make sense of it and work out what might actually help.

You do not need to have everything figured out before you start.

What if something serious has happened?

If you believe a counsellor or other health practitioner has behaved unethically or unsafely, you have options.

You may be able to raise the concern with the counsellor or the organisation providing the service if you feel safe doing so.

If they belong to a professional association, you can also check that association's complaints process.

In Queensland, complaints about registered and unregistered health practitioners can also be made through the Office of the Health Ombudsman.

You do not have to ignore behaviour that has made you feel unsafe simply because the person is a health professional.

Looking for counselling in Cairns?

If you are looking for counselling in Cairns, it is completely reasonable to ask questions before deciding who you want to work with.

I'm Allan Bunyan, a certified counsellor (CPCA) and CPCA Member #47516.

I provide counselling for adults and young people aged 14 and over, with face-to-face appointments in Cairns City and phone or video counselling available across Australia.

I work with people dealing with things such as anxiety, stress, burnout, grief, trauma, relationship difficulties, disability adjustment, addiction concerns and major life changes.

If you are an NDIS participant, you can also read more about NDIS counselling in Cairns and how counselling may fit with your plan and goals.

If you are unsure whether counselling with me would be the right fit, you can book a free 15-minute meet and greet.

There is no obligation to continue.

Sometimes you just need somewhere to talk.